Host Family

Two school years ago (2006-2007), we hosted a foreign exchange student from Germany. Our student turned 17 years old right shortly after he moved here, and was a junior in high school. It was obvious when he first moved in with us that he was very nervous and hesitant about coming half way around the world to live with a family he has never met. Within minutes of his arrival to our home, I showed him his room, then showed him around our house. I could tell he felt comfortable in our home and some of his nervousness would quickly go away.

The year he spent with us was full of joy, and he was nothing but a positive addition to our family. He truly became like a 3rd son to my husband and me, and an older brother to our two sons. Nik didn't have any siblings of his own, so despite the uncertainty of how he would handle two new "siblings", he quickly bonded with both of our sons (and they to him). Nik lived with us for 10 months before returning home to Germany, and we have stayed close since he left. We talk on the phone often, and this summer, he and his parents are coming to the USA and will stay with us for 8 days in July. We are all counting down the days, and cannot wait until they get here.

We hosted another exchange student this last past school year, and unfortunately, our experience was at best, dismal. The student was very opinionated, rude to the boys, and disrespectful. He was also not willing to abide by simple house rules, and lied a lot. Simply said, he was not a good fit for our very close family.

Most of the time, I feel sorry for him, because he comes from a severely broken home with an abusive (and mostly absent) father. I had really hoped he could have a positive family experience so that he could learn what feeling cared about was really like. Unfortunately, he would only rebel to an extreme, and dismiss us, when we made any attempt to show him we cared about him.

Last December, half way through our hosting experience, John and I made a very difficult decision to request the exchange program to place him in a new home. Our student moved out in December and finished his year with another family. For a long time before we made this decision, I wondered what happened. We're good, genuine people--Why did this not work? We were clear in our expectations and communication with him. He was angry that we expected him to communicate with us when he wanted something or to go somewhere, and was very secretive and lied when we found out he wasn't honest.

In the end, and a lot of processing with John and our best friends, Thom and Kelly, I believe we did everything we could. Our family just simply operates very differently than he was accustomed to, and he was not willing to work with our customs. He didn't like them, was verbally against how "Americans" did things, and was not about to adapt to fit into our family.

I truly do hope his year went better for him after he left our house and I expect it did. It was the home of a female friend of his and her mom, and from what he had told us before he moved there, their home had little supervision and few, if any, house rules. According to him, her daughter didn't have to tell her mom anything, or even let her know where she was going when she left the house if she didn't want to. This is in direct contrast to the expectations we have in our family.

Despite that most recent experience being far from ideal, we were asked to host a student through my Rotary Club. I was really surprised when my husband and kids were very willing to try hosting again because of how hurt they were from our last student's actions.

But, this coming August, we agreed to host a female exchange student for three months from Belgium. Justine is 18 and very active in Girl Scouts, so we hope she is more mature and that she is more committed to family. She seems to come from a strong family background, and at least in her profile, she seems committed to them. It will be a new experience for all of us to have another female in our house (besides me), since I've never lived with a young female. I am very hopeful this experience will go better than last time, and we can form a strong relationship, where she will accept us as her host "family", and form close, strong bonds with us.

As we learned from Nik, those bonds have run deep and definitely strong throughout our family. I am sure we will stay close throughout our lives.

Peace

Today I received a message from "The Universe". No, it wasn't from God Himself, but from one of my favorite websites http://www.tut.com/. Although this website is designed to send out inspirational messages on a daily basis (or to your preferred frequency), sometimes these messages do seem to speak right to my soul or know exactly what I need at that moment. Can you say, "Eerie?"

For example, the inspirational message of today was:

"All pain is self-inflicted, Andi. Ouch... Which, quite frankly, Andi, is fantastic news, since it means you needn't feel any at all once you stop choosing to hurt." The Universe

This website also always ends each message with the following statement: "Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!"

Although I don't see myself as a depressed individual, the stress I have somedays seems unbearable. Today was one of those days. Sadly, I was so upset about some things that I was actually glad that my family was not home when I got there because my day had been so tough that I just needed some time alone. My strong introverted nature was simply craving a non-stimulating environment where I could silently reflect and regain perspective.

I grilled a chicken breast, added it to my fresh salad, picked grapes off the stems, drank some skim milk, and read a book while sitting on my back deck in the woods listening to the birds and the frogs. They created quite a beautiful chorus! I honestly could not have thought of a better way to spend two hours after a day like this. Time alone like this, especially outdoors, really reminds me of the gifts God has given me.

It also gave me time to do my bi-weekly Bible study reading and workbook, which, ironically, had a reoccurring theme that was about not being judgmental of others, since we all have sin.

When I was reflecting on my day, I was thinking that God probably sits in heaven and just giggles to Himself while teaching lessons to the Angels about how they can learn more complex ways of doing their jobs. (Since I coordinate a lot of staff training, this is my mindset!)

I can just hear Him saying, "For our first example, look at Andi down there! She came home frustrated with how some people behaved today. I have tried multiple times to tell her to not be too judgmental of others. But, she did it again!!! So this time, I am going to try another approach since obviously that previous one didn't work.

"Angels, this is a great example of the various learning styles people may have, and how one person's style is different than others. Different teaching approaches may sometimes be necessary for harder cases like her.

"OK, Watch this..... Notice how I introduced multiple types of stimulus (as I pull out my Bible study for the day and see huge similarities between this week's topic and some of my current feelings, and the ah-ha moments start surfacing).

"Angels, pay attention. (He rapts a large glow stick on the cloud.) Don't miss this because it is the best part....Angels, are you still watching???? Yes, it worked!!! She remembered that email she received this morning from one of my earthly workers. Now see the realization in her? She finally got the message. Yes, awww, yes. (As he smiles widely.) OK, students, That was a good lesson for today about transformational learning and the benefits of reflection after an experience.

"Now tomorrow's lesson is going to illustrate Humility......"

Training Day

Today I spent all day facilitating training for 20 student leaders on how to handle various situations they may never see. There is a small chance they may encounter one or more of the situations I spent 8 hours preparing them to handle, and honestly, I hope they don't have to deal with it. The situations include suicidal thoughts or attempts; fighting with parents/loved ones; alcohol abuse; racist bigotry; drug use; homophobia; and general conflict. Not a light day of training, but in the end, I think the group did a great job in picking up the essentials in how to initially inquire, and find an opportunity to refer to a professional staff member or at a minimum, a student staff member who has had much more extensive training (i.e., one of my regular student staff members who are trained to be prepared to deal with these types of things 9 months out of the year).

At the end of the training day, there are multiple scenarios we act out and have the participants take turn confronting in small groups. This is very scary for them, and you can just see the nervous hesitation in their eyes about being able to remember to say and do the right thing. I am always very adamant with my staff that this training should be something that focuses on the positives and not on the negatives; gives advice for how to confront difficult statements/behaviors while not making the participants feel like they messed up; and provides suggestions for the multiple opportunities and methods for which they can turn it over to a more trained person, if they feel they are over their head. As difficult as this training may be, this training is something they report to appreciate learning after they have completed it. In some ways, it probably feels like some sort of rite of passage, even though it is not meant to be. The trainees feel very proud of themselves once they are done, and you can see the confidence exuding from each of them. The energy coming off of the group after this training is completed is one of my favorite moments of the training.

The time spent building people up to confront situations they may never face may seem like a pointless task to some, but it actually a very beneficial process in their development as a young staff member. I would rather develop skills in people they may not end up confronting, and have them feel confident and capable of handling these if they do find themselves in these situations, versus have them find themselves involved with a situation and feel like they are in it alone, and not know how to help the other person.

I was really proud of the new student leaders for their enthusiasm and positive attitudes today. And I was really proud of my Residence Life staff for all the assistance they gave in making the training today happen so seamlessly and for being so encouraging to the students on the participant end. They are truly amazing individuals, working with seriously difficult issues faced by our college students today, getting paid way less than they deserve, and caring about the betterment of those around them. Bravo!

Elasti-Woman

If I had to pick a superhero to represent how I feel much of the time, I think I would pick that character from a kid's movie a few years ago that had the super duper ability to stretch himself in multiple directions. I really am a master multi-tasker--when I am waiting for one thing I will accomplish many others. When talking on the phone, I am able to answer several emails (while fully participating in the conversation with the person I'm talking with) or complete a stack of paperwork. But some days, when I have meetings back to back to back, I feel if I ONLY had that superpower, I could actually be three places at once, and get everything done on my never-ending "to-do" list. (See http://www.dccomics.com/heroes_and_villains/?hv=origin_stories/plastic_man.)

Today was one of those days. I'm preparing for a training session that I am facilitating all day tomorrow for 20 people; organizing materials and roles for my other staff to play in that training; answered several questions from staff members; ordered several thousands of dollars worth of furniture and equipment; planned and co-led a staff meeting; attended three meetings without time in between to breathe (and literally running to the next meeting because they all ran over their allotted time); showed an apartment to a potential renter; cooked dinner for my kids; then worked at home for two hours trying to catch up on what I couldn't get done at work. Whew! I am tired just writing that!!!

Now, when I look at that list of what I accomplished, I should be thinking, "Wow, I did all that? In one day? REALLY?" But, instead, I feel as if I didn't accomplish enough. I feel severely lacking in what I did NOT accomplish. So what is wrong with that picture??? (Did I mention that I am really good at delegating, and have done so with a lot of other tasks?) Yet, I still have about eleven things on my task list on Outlook that I didn't even look at last Friday OR today, all of which probably represent about 1/2 hour to 1 hour of work each to finish. Several of which have been my back-burner items for up to two months because they weren't a priority then and I simply did not have time to get them done before. Now, they are coming up to be of some priority, and I will have to pay attention to them soon. Looking at my calendar, I hope to find the time. I do not miss deadlines, and I'm not about to start now!

As a rule, I have always been extremely hard on myself, sometimes to the point of ridiculous-ness. I am aware of the high expectations I have of myself, but I have never been able to let go of the idea of perfectionism. I am far from perfect, but my expectations have always been to maintain the best standards I possibly can, and never, ever, EVER let those around me down. I only wish I could find that my obligations would allow myself to be higher up on that list, since I often feel that my own needs tend to fall at the bottom of the "people to please" list.

I can blame it on my German heritage, growing up on a huge farm in Iowa, the full-time working woman's syndrome. I can say it is a hereditary trait since my parents and brothers have this trait, too. But whoever or whatever is blamed for this trait of mine, it is definitely there. If I am totally honest, it is really ALL ME. My deal. Just.....Simply..... (Sigh!).....Mine....

SO, my thought is today: If I could really turn into Elasti-woman, would I then feel satisfied with what I accomplished in any given day? Or, would my standards for what is "ENOUGH" simply just become even more unrealistic? Hmmmm................